Ben Dussault

What is pride? When we are  proud people, is it necessary to let others know how awesome we are at something or does that kind of pride simply signal signs of insecurity. By doing so are we forcing others to see something that we really don’t?

I’ll face it, and I’m proud enough (still not sure what that word means) to admit it- I’ve felt the need to defend the person I want other people to think I am. I’d like to say that it was one specific circumstance that forced me into defending or pretending that I wasn’t  hurt by other’s claims. Really though, it’s kinda sorta generally a weakness I carry around. For a second or two I’d pretend that it didn’t bother me that I felt some comparison, judgement and diminishment of my being but I did and still do- I hate it! And then there’s having the last word…

It’s childish and I know that I am not that unique of a person to think that  I wouldn’t ever be subjected to some criticism, warranted or not. I’m not THAT special and defending what little confidence I had at the time (I’m building and strengthening that bond) is/was unnecessary. In my experience the final word is hardly ever truly satisfying and it isn’t actually really the final word. So many times have I had to go back and apologize for losing peace of mind and speaking with my defenses way up. It might hit you later that night when you’re lying in bed or a year down the road, but it eventually “clicks” and when it does all you see is yourself, watching yourself losing yourself.

To be able to constantly travel lightly through life would be nice but there’s usually one or some elements which hold that “weightless” feeling down. Those come in the form of the proverbial baggage where sometimes they can get heavy, too heavy to bear. And if you’re like me, it’s as easy as just passing it on, to the ones you care most about and to the random strangers that fit the profile of how you feel. Our messy, overpacked, beat up and broken suitcases are a true test of patience. I see people lugging them around all day, tired and defeated that life handed them the dirtiest load. They’re scattered all around me in conversations, gazes, body language and arguments that go nowhere. The frustration of imperfection, the inability to hide behind our pride takes what’s best in us all and showcases the absolute worst. We give others what we allow ourselves to get. Let’s all take a moment to breathe, look inward and while sorting through all the bullsh*t we’ll find that there’s some clarity.

Pride  sounds a lot like the pain I go through on the daily trying to make sense of who I am, would love to be and not even being 60% there. Maybe in the end as prideful and shameful as most of us are, with our flaws and attributes we’re really not that different from each other. At times I feel like a mess and other times the best, so for now I guess that’s gonna have to be good enough.

Thanks to all those that have the patience to deal with me at my worst and keep me in a positive frame of mind. As for those that get to hang hard when I’m feeling amazing (same people)- you’re welcome.