Ben Dussault

Throw It Out There

Questions and answers- They flow so well in that order, yet some of us communicate in a way that seems that one can exist without the other. In my experience I’ve found that generally, asking a question usually gets me the answer. I’ve been known to have it fall into my lap without the struggle of asking, but that’s some fluke and a wealth of luck that I’m certain will eventually run out. My patience for that kind of knowledge isn’t where i’d like it to be so I don’t hesitate in asking/probing. Letting thoughts stew though is not pretty, just saying that I’ve seen people go too long without knowing, and in my generation we learned that knowing was half the battle.

It’s so discouraging to watch someone craving to ask but be so hesitant to put themselves out there. What is it about NOT knowing that holds us back? I remember in high school asking tons of questions when I had no idea what was happening around me. I got teased, picked on and really in retrospect who cares because it probably would have happened for other reasons. Here at 30 years of age If I don’t know something I still feel like I get the right to ask or at least try. I don’t want to ever live in doubt and fear of stirring up the pot. Fear sucks.

It had to start somewhere, the feeling that we were asking the wrong kinds of questions. To some of our less sensitive teachers, did we insult their intelligence? To the other kids around us, were we holding them back? Maybe it comes with time and age but I can’t imagine what it would be like to walk around pretending to know everything.  I’m ok with not knowing, in fact I think I’m better off because it prompts me to ask for more information and gives people the opportunity to answer. Seems healthy enough doesn’t it?

This goes out to my clients that ask and continue to ask. I may not know but I sure as hell will ask around and see what comes up.

Break it down, now.

What is pride? When we are  proud people, is it necessary to let others know how awesome we are at something or does that kind of pride simply signal signs of insecurity. By doing so are we forcing others to see something that we really don’t?

I’ll face it, and I’m proud enough (still not sure what that word means) to admit it- I’ve felt the need to defend the person I want other people to think I am. I’d like to say that it was one specific circumstance that forced me into defending or pretending that I wasn’t  hurt by other’s claims. Really though, it’s kinda sorta generally a weakness I carry around. For a second or two I’d pretend that it didn’t bother me that I felt some comparison, judgement and diminishment of my being but I did and still do- I hate it! And then there’s having the last word…

It’s childish and I know that I am not that unique of a person to think that  I wouldn’t ever be subjected to some criticism, warranted or not. I’m not THAT special and defending what little confidence I had at the time (I’m building and strengthening that bond) is/was unnecessary. In my experience the final word is hardly ever truly satisfying and it isn’t actually really the final word. So many times have I had to go back and apologize for losing peace of mind and speaking with my defenses way up. It might hit you later that night when you’re lying in bed or a year down the road, but it eventually “clicks” and when it does all you see is yourself, watching yourself losing yourself.

To be able to constantly travel lightly through life would be nice but there’s usually one or some elements which hold that “weightless” feeling down. Those come in the form of the proverbial baggage where sometimes they can get heavy, too heavy to bear. And if you’re like me, it’s as easy as just passing it on, to the ones you care most about and to the random strangers that fit the profile of how you feel. Our messy, overpacked, beat up and broken suitcases are a true test of patience. I see people lugging them around all day, tired and defeated that life handed them the dirtiest load. They’re scattered all around me in conversations, gazes, body language and arguments that go nowhere. The frustration of imperfection, the inability to hide behind our pride takes what’s best in us all and showcases the absolute worst. We give others what we allow ourselves to get. Let’s all take a moment to breathe, look inward and while sorting through all the bullsh*t we’ll find that there’s some clarity.

Pride  sounds a lot like the pain I go through on the daily trying to make sense of who I am, would love to be and not even being 60% there. Maybe in the end as prideful and shameful as most of us are, with our flaws and attributes we’re really not that different from each other. At times I feel like a mess and other times the best, so for now I guess that’s gonna have to be good enough.

Thanks to all those that have the patience to deal with me at my worst and keep me in a positive frame of mind. As for those that get to hang hard when I’m feeling amazing (same people)- you’re welcome.

Fact- We’re imperfect. If you had your doubts about where you stood in life, well here it is- you’re not gonna be great at everything right from the start. Without a whole lot of effort, moments of self doubt and persistence it’s just too easy where fortunately or not, “easy” doesn’t last. It’s a little sh***y to say but sometimes it really does suck  to pursue the things you’re most passionate about. It can be a hard journey but then somewhere down, around, across the block and over the tracks you find incredible rewards. The journey continues, keep your eyes on the prize.

I find that it’s important in this process to allow yourself to get shook up, taken down, thrown around and messed with. Do not stop figuring out your next move, take a second to breathe and certainly do not give up. The sequence, the pattern is there, learn life’s lessons and I swear its just another one of those constant tests. It doesn’t hurt to have amazing people around to help guide you through the darkness. Accept any genuine help that comes your way, there’s no shame in not being able to do it alone.

If I retrace my own steps and break them down I can better see that there are just some things/people/places that had no place being a part of my every day. Those things threw me off, and even when I would desperately try to include them life had it’s way to slap me a quick reminder. Some wise men have said to me to “always trust your instincts”, we know more than we give ourselves credit. Try to follow what your heart and mind agree on and get into the right spaces and places.  Set up that next stage in life with brand new challenges to get you wondering and sweating like you did before. Build new familiar spots with positive minded people so that when the chaos surrounds you, you can always dip and balance things out.

Let’s get the “suck” out of here.

Ben

watch Pure Pwnage on Showcase Fridays @ 10pm.

woof.

Picture this: It’s a winter night, fairly cold (-7 degrees celsius/19.4 degrees Fahrenheit), the moon is out, the clouds are still and I haven’t had sight of one person on the beach. I step out through the trees, onto the hidden sand where I’m surrounded by snow and a stillness that wasn’t there yet a minute ago. I think I’m alone and with solitude in mind I begin my run.

The seasonal volleyball courts are unusually dark compared to the well lit path that I’m used to. My senses are initially thrown off  as I watch my step for the tiny shadows that seemingly jump out at me. There are only two very clear noises that I can hear- my breathing and the snow crunching beneath my sneakers. I suddenly lose myself, in time but not in space. I’m lost. Each footprint leaves a mark behind me and I know already how the next will fall to fit perfectly within the terrain. Without any thought or effort, I’ve become completely immersed in this environment, the world suddenly became mine.

I felt the sky surround me, cloaking me from any harm that could but wouldn’t come my way. Nothing could go wrong and nor could I do any. As I slide into this realm that I have rarely reached in a short lifetime, I glance away from the path my eyes were once frozen to. I see a short silhouette some 40 feet from me. Startled, I slip back into my body and squint to make sense of the shape. A log perhaps, or is it a dog? If it’s the latter,where’s the owner? I scan it some more and it was as though my glare had awakened it from it’s cold stone grave. The shape unfolds and runs towards me, matching it’s stride to mine. I force my eyes to work harder because without my glasses all they and my imagination envision is a wolf or best yet a coyote. There it is, I see it’s tail, skinny by the body, thick and fluffy (Yes, fluffy) at the end. It’s a fox! HOLY S**T A FOX IS RUNNING TOWARDS ME!

I stop mid stride, crouch down and wait to see if I’m noticed. If I was, what little knowledge I’ve acquired on wild animals says that it probably would have gone the other direction, thrice the speed. I called out to it, the only real call I know is the one which wields our cat into the bedroom at night. Regardless, I created a “fox” version of the sound and watched to see how my dolittle skills panned out. I called out to the non ferocious beast, it paused, glanced up at me and scurried back to the spot where it first appeared. I resumed my own trot, laughing off the idea that maybe the fox and I shared a vibe on some strange plain. But once again as I ran so did the fox. Within this cold landscape it searched for it’s next meal and I within myself for my own source of fuel. Recognizing it’s business and knowing mine created a peace between us. We both did what we had to do to make ourselves better living, breathing and functional organisms on this earth. We also did it with respect for each other’s space and place in this universe.

I felt connected that night, to what I’m not sure? I was free from negativity, worry and pain. There was no weight to my body, even when I lifted it off the ground. I partially wish that I could call upon that feeling anytime something went wrong but really I wouldn’t be doing my life any justice. Besides, life that night was handing me a gift. It was cutting me a break and reminding me that if I keep running on this path, I’ll have something great to look forward to .

I trust that you will to.

Peace.

I’m not sure what makes up a team? I’m not even sure if you need more than 1 person to have one? Definition or not ,what I do know is that it sure is nice to have someone backing you, keeping you motivated and cheering you on even when you’re at your best/worst. It’s also great to be able to return the effort.

Finding strength from the self though is pretty awesome and there is something to be said about the ability to muster up courage to overcome obstacles solo-styles. I feel inspired on a daily basis from the people I just randomly meet and those that I’ve known from before. The more I hear about other’s and the moves they’ve made in life, the better I feel about challenges I’m about to be faced with. Surrounded by greatness, absorbed and spread onto others, I’ll be on that team.

The other morning after waking up from my 15hrs nap that was spawned from the most excellent over-consumption of desmond & beatrice‘s baked goods, I went to the beach to get some exercise. I noticed that in the jungle-gym where kids jump from one bar to another, some parents sit, watch and perhaps take a second to breathe.

From platform to platform, bar to bar just kids being kids and loving every minute of it. I just turned 30 and guess who’s back full force on the playground program? Yep, it’s me. As a teen If I knew what I knew now, it could have saved me the years of  physical fatigue and an out of commission mental state. I thought jungle gyms were just there for… well let’s just say, not pull-ups.

Fitness is all around me and it’s in the form of swing sets, monkey bars, pirate ships – a gym that takes the form of fun not unfathomable. Let’s go back to that sitting guardian I mentioned earlier. Being a parent cannot be easy. The ones that commit to their children and unselfishly sacrifice time/energy to better the life of another is a feat worth an applause (clap!). That being said I’m no expert on the topic of baby making/adopting. I have a cat, which my partner and I adopted from the Toronto Humane Society. But just the fact that I’m shrimping out of bed night after night so to not disturb the sleep of both her and the “bear’s” makes me wonder what kind of gaps I’d clear for my kid’s smallest request. If our cat loved to do pull-ups in the playground, I’d be set. Other than that he rules and I wanna thank whoever found him, we’re lucky to have this amazing addition to our life.

The playground is for everyone but at the end of the day it’s the kids that rule this environment. If  you ever played “king of the castle” you’d know right off the bat who was king/queen. I’ll give you a hint- it’s not me and if you’re over 12, it’s not you either. The only membership for this house needed is the approval of the youth who run it. They’re the ones who let us stomp around their turf and wait for them to be done with the equipment being used, after that we’re in and GTG (good to go! I know, I’m old school and not cool.) The only looks that I find questionable are from the parents themselves, who rightfully deserve to keep an eye out on us. I would probably be a little watchful as well if I saw a bunch of strange wanna-be adults working out side by side with mine.  What’s rad though is how the kids watch us in awe while we bartend our way around the park. There’s no judging just enjoyment and curiosity in their faces. If they look unsure it’s my interpretation to assume that it’s because we struggle and they don’t. Not regreting my abilities I watch, waiting patiently to tag along with those in their prime who while ruling this house just want everyone to effortlessly hang out.

When you’re a kid in the playground, everyone’s invited… unless you’re too cool for school.

Keeping “dad” jokes alive for 30yrs.

Ben

Pull-ups are bigger in Texas

I forget how healthy I am till I get sick. I would like nothing more than to hold on to to the thought that my fortune lies in the fact that I get to do this life thing without any major complications. It just so happens that both my legs, arms, lungs, eyes, ears (although some would argue that one specifically) work. It also just so happens that I treat it like it’s no big deal. What is wrong with that statement and what is wrong with me that it takes others and their lack of good health to help me remember?

I can see how it’s a reality for some of us to be distracted by every day happenings. We aren’t expected to notice all details that life presents because other priorities take precedence. A reality that accepts the act of forgetting a healthy beating heart or  steady blood flow until it takes a toll for the worst, is a bust.

I really can’t fully remember what it felt like to be ill. If I could I would hold onto that thought just so I could constantly see what it’s like to be at the top of my game right here, right now. I don’t want to dwell on the past but if I think back, I can recall a year of never knowing what my diagnosis was. I knew being in and out of clinics while my family and loved ones worried for me. Who can find time to worry when there’s not even enough time in a day to feel well? I know some people that have made an art out of worrying and it’s a show that must not go on, ever.

Maybe we don’t need to go around bragging about health but some praise is good. To feel light about life is a gift. Breathing in without feeling like we’ve soaked up half of the world’s worries can be difficult but it’s not unattainable. There are momentary pauses, reflections throughout the day reminding us to stay fresh, soak in as much as we can and break from the act of “living” like everyone else. We all deserve to visit our ideal life once in a while and quit the one we helped make up.

We are in debt to life and I personally owe mine a huge favor. My laundry list of “IOU’s” to it is massive and that in itself deserves constant attention. Life’s already given me so much good and some bad that denying it my full living potential would be extremely selfish. Letting it slip by bit by bit would turn into something more than I’m ready to ever be ready for.

Let’s think about those for a moment that find it hard to see the bright side of life because of illness or pain. Let’s do what we can to improve our life today so that we may find strength and time to be there for the ones that need it the most tomorrow.

This goes out to the ones I care for that are travelling rough terrain. I’ll do what I can to help pave the way. I’m truly sorry you’re feeling far from well.

It always impresses me how someone can take an idea and make it real, make it breathe side by side with other prior ones. Creating and then materializing a thought, from an outsiders perspective (me) seems like the biggest deal. Is it common to be more impressed by someone elses accomplishment then by our own?

Our adopted "bear" and To Die For Pillows are a good match

I’m amazed often at how friends/loved ones take charge, make it happen and have the whole process seem painless or worry free. Its never the case though, there is some struggle when birthing dreams. There is sacrifice on one or several levels and its hard to notice those sacrifices especially when no one is discussing or bringing it to light.

Amanda Walsh, Kirk Catlin, Marc Jackson. Get to know those names.

Let’s notice all the small accomplishments like they were the biggest. Try not to dismiss the steps it took to get to that point. Keep the pace steady but every so often don’t be afraid to pick up or drop it.

I heart "Matheson"

Chris, Liam, Paul, Jon.

I have to take my hat off to my friend and barber, Jon “junior” Roth (he prefers when I rock my hair out anyways) for taking his life, his passion into his own hands. You’re an awesome friend and a great barber. Also to Dani Kind and Tommie-Amber Pirie for taking their acting career to new heights. Also Eric Martel, someone I knew from way back in the music scene who just partnered up with some others to open up a “CROSSFIT” facility in my hometown Montreal. Check it out if you can or want to test your fitness capacity. (I’ve got many props to give so to the others, hang tight.)

They're skilled, check 'em out.

I love it when people I know push themselves and others to do great things. I also love Montreal and Poutine.

It's our favorite. Rachel & St-Laurent.

If you’re in San Antonio Texas and need to do laundry, eat an amazing organic meal, wash your car, have a beer and participate in local gatherings check out Lisa, the owner and her joint called “The Cove“. I ate the chicken poblano soup and the item they’re best know for- the fish taco. Delicious and the best part is that all my clothes that were once dirty are now clean. Great place and so convenient for anyone traveling. Her passion brought this place to life, the neighborhood and those that ventured in that day we were there.

It's tasty and clean.

Laundry and healthy food. Good team.

Our food could use a little more love.

Everybody, let’s keep moving forward…

respect

ps. Listen and watch my friend Neil’s (aka SyWyld) production on this older track. He’s super talented, works with his brother James and sister Zoe at Offshoot. I love them all.

eating

What is it about being able to justify our actions and also find a reason not to act on opportunity when we set it up for ourselves in the first place? Its easier to talk about the “why/why not” as opposed to focusing on “how” to proceed.  Most people seem to have their own personal excuses and use them whenever they want to get out guilt free.

When we hesitate to do what feels right at that moment there often comes a lengthy psychological battle with the self. What a waste of energy and time, why not try and take a risk that may turn out to be a victory in the end. What’s the harm in saying “yes” and what repercussion does “no” hold?

Pizza

We do it all the time with exercise, food, committing to social events, relationships, business opportunity, and anything that requires us to keep failing when we chose the same old path.

California's best

If you think of the bigger picture the answer is clearer and filled with confidence. Set a goal and stick it through, especially if the risk of hurting not only yourself but others is high. When people that matter to us are involved it almost makes it easier (it’s never easy) to decide and do it at a quick pace. No hesitation. The more you get used to reacting and making moves, the smoother it gets with new ones that potentially hold more weight.

Robot or baby?

Either way you go about it,  we’re all human and we all make mistakes. Even when we try not to, we do and that’s what makes us real. If we keep making the same mistake then we have no excuse and that repeated offense gets us all in the end. Weakness exists in all of us, understanding and living well with it is what makes us strong.

bad idea

Really bad idea

Make a decision and stick with it. If you don’t feel good about the outcome, try a new avenue. If you’re still breathing you still have a chance.

peace

life

This one goes out to all the people I love and care for that struggle every day with new decisions and come out swinging. Life isn’t easy but it rules with all of you in it.

tough

Like skype says “take a deep breath” and the rest is what it is.

We all have the ability to jump into new things in our lives, experience a different path. How we get there depends on who we surround ourselves with and how confident we feel with the choice to go through with it.

I’d be a liar to say that I’m into trying anything. Food may of the few things that comes close to the “anything goes” mentality because I just generally enjoy eating. But even food has its limits. There have definitely been several fast food joints that I’ve turned down being that they were way too sketchy and it was hands down straight culinary Russian roulette. But that being said if you cooked it with love I may be down for the cause, and would at least entertain the idea. What can I say we all have our weakness(es).

I’m talking about things like watching a friend swing off a rope up high above a foreign bed of water (did it… terrified of heights) and with no hesitation following the lead. The ease of just going for it without the fear of not being able to pull it off is pretty awesome. It’s all about trusting, not talking your self out of it or walking away.

These excuses we make are a self-created fantasy, they never truly existed and they limit us as individuals. If It was never experienced first hand, basing it on a feeling or intuition is, in my opinion not enough to go through life on.

I’ve been there at times and it sucks every time. When you step down from a potentially positive encounter with a part of you that you’ve never met, you may find yourself disappointed and reliving the scenario over again. That kind of rejection isn’t as easy to brush off as it would from someone/something else.

Thank you to my partner in all aspects of life Dani Kind who keeps herself open to ideas, encouraging the many around her to do the same. I learn to breathe through life’s choices that much easier with you around. Also to Baltimore’s own Joe and Brianna who keep my short visits there naturally awesome because they naturally are.

Go swim in a lake, pool or your friends bath… Being in the water rules!